


Ride

by sweetbaby_1D



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Freedom, Light Angst, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-09
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-02-04 01:41:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1762085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetbaby_1D/pseuds/sweetbaby_1D
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>❝Live fast.❞</p><p>          ❝Die young.❞</p><p>                        ❝Be wild.❞</p><p>                                  ❝And have fun.❞<br/>The rules of Louis life. He only has on stable thing in the world. Harry. But he isn't enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is vaguely based off of the song Ride by Lana Del Rey.

“Louis, you can’t just fucking leave like this! Come back in here!” Harry yells as he watches Louis put his bags into the back of the taxi.

“No, I’m tired of this, Harry! You’re holding me down and I just want a bit of freedom!” Louis yells back over his shoulder.

Harry throws his hands up. “You’re not 20 anymore, Lou! You can’t just up and leave when you feel stranded anymore!”

“I can do whatever the hell I want, Harold! I’m a grown man, you don’t fucking control me!” Louis screams, pointing an accusing finger at Harry.

Harry loses all anger and just deflates. “What about our family? What about the things we talked about? I thought we were gonna adopt kids together and live happily? What happened to all of that, Louis? We were supposed to get married one day.” He says, looking at Louis with the saddest eyes he can manage.

Louis sighs and walks to Harry, wrapping his arms around his waist. “We still will, I just need some time to find myself. You know how I am, just let me go and get it over with and everything will be perfectly fine when I come back. We’ll start our family then, baby.” He kisses Harry’s neck softly, trying to sooth his boyfriend.

“But what happens when you ‘lose yourself’ again once we have kids? How the hell am I supposed to tell them that you didn’t want us but you’ll come back soon?” Harry asks, not hugging Louis back. He’s tired of fighting this same fight with him every few months.

Louis makes a face. “Harry, you’re being a tad melodramatic, don’t you think? They’ll be alright. And maybe this time I can come back and never need to do this again? Just don’t try to stop it.” He says, smiling hopefully.

“Wishful thinking. Just like the thoughts of us ever being able to have sex without a condom.” Harry says, wiping all traces of a smile from Louis face.

“Fuck you, Harry.” He says, turning around and getting into the back of the taxi. Harry watches it pull off, sighing.


	2. 3 Hours

_~H~_

_I’m so tired of this shit,_ Harry thought to himself as he sat in the dark living room. It’d been three hours since Louis had left the house on his ‘mission to find himself’ as he called it. It wouldn’t be so bad, but this was the third one this year. And it was only August. And he knew he’d hurt Louis feelings with the whole sex without a condom bit, but it was true.

Louis openly admitted to having sex with people while he was away on these little trips. He said he used protection, but Harry wanted to be sure and Louis refused to get, tested saying that he would never risk his or Harry’s health in such a stupid way. So they just always used condoms.

Harry could never figure out why Louis left like he did. It’s not like they were unhappy, they were a good couple. Damn near perfect, in fact. Yeah, they had their spats, but nothing an hour or so in separate rooms couldn’t fix. Instead, Louis took it to the extreme and after a few fights, left for a few weeks to different parts of the world. And it made Harry feel like shit.

He tried to be what Louis wanted. They went out every weekend, he cooked for Louis, took care of him, catered to his every need and want. He worked a good job that paid him enough to afford vacations and Louis didn’t have to work and Harry had even bought Louis his dream house and was planning to buy him the new car he’d been eying this month.

But now that Louis was gone again, Harry didn’t even know what to do with himself. He hated how these times felt. Louis would leave for dumb ass reasons, and Harry would just sulk around, miserable, until he came back. Which could take months. And they were supposed to be going to the adoption agency soon to see about getting a baby. How the hell were they gonna be able to care for a baby if Louis kept up these things?

Harry sighed and hoisted himself from the chair he had been sitting in the past three hours. He walked into the kitchen, opening the cabinet and grabbing the bottle of whiskey from the top shelf. _Might as well…_ he thought sadly.

_~L~_

Louis sat in the back of the taxi, wiping away his silent tears. He misses Harry already. But this was his choice, he had to do this for his sanity. Louis sighed for the thousandth time since the taxi had pulled from his home. He couldn’t even explain why he ran away every now and then if he’d wanted to. It just was a sudden impulse telling him to get out.

Harry was perfect to him. He did everything beyond what Louis could ask for, he was nothing but sweet and loving to him, and he got Louis everything he wanted before Louis even told him he wanted it. Everything about Harry screamed _perfect_ and _soul mate_. And maybe that was the problem.

Louis had always had a phobia of commitment. He never could stick with one thing for too long. It went that way with the piano, the guitar, skateboarding, televisions shows, singing, and his dream of going to college. He only ever stayed committed to things he really loved, namely football. But he loved Harry, so why couldn’t he just stay with him?

He tried, he always tried to stay with Harry and be happy. And he was happy. Until out of the blue at the worst times, that need for freedom, that desire for something new, came along. Then he would make up some shit excuse, saying that Harry was too controlling, that Harry was moving their relationship too fast despite their three years as boyfriends, anything really, to make it seem like Harry was pushing him away instead of showing that on fact, he was just afraid to commit to Harry.

But he knew, as everyone else did, that Harry was really all he had now. Was for sure all he needed, ever. And that’s why he always came back to Harry, because he couldn’t let him go. He was more afraid of losing him than he was of committing to him, which was something.

Either way it went, Louis needed Harry, and more at the same time. He just had a weird way of doing things.

But none of that mattered, so long as Harry stuck by him.


	3. 2 Days

_~H~_

Harry sighed, laying in the bed and staring at the ceiling. It was almost 6 in the morning, and he’d been in this position since 10 p.m. This was always his first problem, he could never fall asleep without Louis lying next to him. For at least a week, he’d just stare at the house, emotionless. If he did sleep, it’s be a few minutes in random intervals, and he’d wake up with nightmares of Louis telling him he didn’t want him anymore.

He’d answer his phone, but was monotone and bland, making all types of excuses as to why he couldn’t do anything. When the boys would realize why he was being so off, they’d try to talk to him, but Harry would only hang up and stop answering.

He was an empty shell, to depressed to do anything but sit and stare blankly and drink alcohol. He was never a huge casual drinker, only feeling the need in social situations, but when Louis took off, he’d come close to alcoholic tendencies.

He needed a distraction, so he went into the bathroom, turning on the shower as hot as it could get and stepping right under the scalding hot spray, staying until he could feel actual pain. Then he got out and pulled on underwear and sitting on the bed, pulling his computer onto his lap and opening Google Chrome.

Harry had decided to just start looking into the adoption now, so that when Louis came home he could already have everything ready, and they’d only need to sign the papers. Harry knew his reasoning was selfish, he felt that maybe Louis wouldn’t leave again if they had a child, so the sooner the better. And he was perfectly fine with being selfish, if it meant that he’d be able to keep his Louis for good without having to worry about him leaving.

_~L~_

Louis turned over in the sleeping bag. He’d been trying to fall asleep for at least three hours now, but he couldn’t. All he could think about was Harry. He didn’t know whether he was missing him, sad about leaving him again, or pissed off about what he’d said to him.

It had really hurt him when Harry brought up the sex without a condom thing the day he left, so bad that he’d cried the entire time he was in the back of the cab. Of course, Harry had a right to be upset about it, Louis wouldn’t deny him that. But the way he’d said it- like Louis was some crazy whore who had STD’s- hurt him to the core. Especially when Harry already made him feel shitty by asking him to get tested and only having sex with him if they used a condom. It drove him crazy and broke his heart.

And maybe that’s what Harry was going for, a way to hurt Louis like he was hurting him. Louis knew he was hurting Harry by leaving, and by fucking other people when he was gone, and by putting off on their dreams and their family.

He knew how much Harry hated these times because he was afraid that Louis wouldn’t come back, yet he always did it. But he knew that no matter what, he’d go back, so in his mind Harry should trust that he would. Hell, he’d been doing this since they were 17- leaving for months at a time and coming back because he missed Harry, so he should be used to it and expect Louis back sooner or later.

Louis looked at the man beside him, furrowing his eyebrows. He was nothing like Harry, and he only liked him for sex, but Louis only liked him because he took him away. So it was a fair deal, and he couldn’t be mad. But it made him realize just how much he missed Harry.

 


	4. 1 Month

~H~

Harry groaned as the sunlight seeped through his black curtains, burning his eyes. He looked at the clock on his phone, grumbling when he saw that it was already 5 in the evening.

This was his new daily routine. He’d wake up no earlier than 3 p.m., sit in his dark house and do a little work for his company, then drink himself into a miserable stupor until he was puking his guts out in the bathroom down the hall. Then he’d trudge up the stairs and grab the picture of Louis off of the floor and stare at it, blubbering and crying disgustingly, saying how much he missed him and things of the such, until finally he passed out and did it all again the next day.

But now he was tired of that, disgusted with himself for allowing this to become his life. He had to make some changes, because when Louis did finally come back, he didn’t want him to have to come back to this.

So, instead of keeping the room nearly pitch black, he went to the window and yanked the curtains open, wincing slightly at the sudden sunlight. Looking around his room, he noticed just how messy it actually was. So he took his time and strategically sorted through the pigsty he now lived in until it was just the way it was before his entire world turned upside down again.

Harry smiled, proud of himself for actually doing something productive. Harry looked under his bed, the last place he remembered having seen his phone (he only knew that because he’d been looking for a bottle of Gin that had rolled under there one night) and put it on the charger before heading downstairs and into the kitchen.

Opening all of the cabinets, Harry took out every bottle of alcohol he could find, sitting each bottle next to the sink as he found them. When he’d made sure that it was all there, he reluctantly poured each and every bottle down the drain, not wanting to part with what had quickly become his best friend, but knowing that it was for the best.

After every ounce of alcohol was gone, Harry set on making himself breakfast. Everything besides the milk he’d bought the morning before Louis left was bad now, so he just poured himself a bowl of Captain Crunch and milk and sat at the table, eating quietly, his first actual food in weeks.

When Harry was done eating, he went back up to his room and grabbed his phone off of the charger and sitting on the side of the bed. First he called Zayn, then Niall, then Liam, telling them all that he was sorry for going M.I.A. but that he was ready to put himself back into regular life and that they should all come over later that night. They made plans for them all to show up at his house at 9, so three hours.

As he waited, so as not to be tempted to slip back into that place he’d been in the past month, Harry grabbed his laptop and work folder and headed into his backyard to do some work and get some fresh air. He had gotten so caught up in his work that he’d lost track of time, and was surprised when the doorbell rang loudly. Looking at the clock of his laptop, Harry realized that it was 2 minutes till 9 and went to open the door for his three best friends.

They talked all night, about Louis, about how Harry had went into a bad time, about everything. And at the end of the night, when they were all asleep in his livingroom, Harry was happy for the first time in a long time, albeit at the cost of a few tears.

~L~

Louis walked out of the bathroom with his bag of clothes in his hand. He walked back to the campsite where he found Floyd sitting at the picnic table. Louis frowned, glaring at the man. He really hated him, not that he wasn’t nice or anything. But his hair was sort of curly like Harry’s, though much shorter. Hie eyes were a dull, boring shade of green. He was way taller than Louis. He was great, but he reminded Louis too much of Harry, albeit less attractive.

“Ya know, instead of hating me, why don’t you just go back to your boyfriend? I didn’t force you to come with me, so I’d prefer like you’d stop staring at me like I kidnapped you,” Floyd mumbled, glancing at Louis.

Louis sighed. “I know, I know. But you sort of have some of the same features as he does, and it just makes me miss him.”

“You think about him a lot,” Floyd deadpanned. Louis nodded sadly. “Why are you here with a complete stranger if you’re so in love with him?”

Louis shrugged. “Sometimes, I start feeling trapped. Like, he’s boxing me in and holding me back. Which he isn’t, he’s so perfect. But when I get like that, I just have to get out for a bit. I’ve been doing it since we were 17, so few years now,” he explained, staring at thee small and growing fire they’d started.

Floyd stayed quiet, looking closely at Louis. “You wanna marry him?” Louis nodded eagerly, smiling at the thought of marrying Harry someday. “How could he even stand to be with you when you run from him and go have sex with people you don’t know, people that aren’t him?”

It was basically a slap in the face to Louis. He quickly stood up, glaring again. “You shut the fuck up! He loves me and I love him, that’s how he can look at me! You don’t know shit, so don’t try to make assumptions about us,” he yelled, on the verge of tears.

“Calm down, I was just saying, if I was in his position, I’d leave you.” Floyd shook his head in a dismissive manner. “You’re doing him wrong, and he’s letting you. That’s shit on both parts.”

“Well, what the have do you have, huh? You’re pretty much in my position right now! You have no one and you’re here fucking strangers as well! You have no room to judge me.”

Floyd smirked at Louis. “We aren’t the same. I do this because it’s how I choose to live. I decided I wanted this, I’ve never had a steady relationship for this reason. You just do this randomly, you’re hurting someone who treats you like you’re the only thing in the world, and you do this to him. We’re completely different.”

With that, Floyd stands up and goes into the tent and gets into his sleeping bag, leaving Louis with his thoughts.

 


	5. 2 Months

~H~

Harry unlocked the door, smiling as he walked into his house, holding the gorgeous boy in his arms. “And this is my home, well, your home now, too,” he spoke quietly, even though he knew the baby didn’t understand anything he was saying.

He'd went to the adoption center early that morning, and here he was seven hours later, walking into the house with a beautiful baby boy named Ryan.

"Hopefully you'll get to meet your other daddy soon," Harry smiled as he set everything on the floor and plopped down on the couch. "He's perfect, and you look a lot like him. He had to go away for a little bit and he doesn't know I got you, but he'll love you so much," Harry rambled. "He won't leave again when he sees you."

Harry really did love Ryan already, he was the perfect baby for him and Louis, but he knew his intentions were selfish.

He couldn't find it in himself to care very much, though. And in the end it was a win win for everyone. He had his Louis, they both had their baby, and Ryan had parents that would love him unconditionally.

Harry spent the rest of his day playing with Ryan, walking around the house and showing the smiling baby around. Ryan's smile was contagious and it made Harry happier than he'd been in two months. This baby was what Harry needed to get his mind off of Louis.

~L~

Louis bit his lip to hide his sniffling, rolling onto his side. He wiped underneath his eyes as he scooted away from Floyd.

"I knew you really didn't want to, I shouldn't have done it," Floyd said, reaching to rub Louis arm.

"I asked you to. I thought it'd make me feel better," Louis told him. "Don't feel bad. You only did what I wanted."

Floyd shook his head. "But you didn't want it. This is no different than if I'd forced myself on you. You're crying, for Christ sake."

Louis turned to face Floyd, scooting closer and burying his face in his chest. "You didn't, I wanted this. I'm not crying because of you, I just miss him. I feel bad because I just cheated on him again."

"Why don't you go home, Louis? You're miserable here. You need to go back to Harry."

Louis shook his head, sobbing. "What if he doesn't take me back? What if he decides he's tired of dealing with this and leaves me for good? I won't be able to handle if he leaves, Floyd!"

Louis was hysterical, sobbing loudly and gasping for air. Floyd sat them up, rubbing Louis' back until he calmed down. "Lou, have you ever thought that maybe this is how he feels? He's probably terrified that you won't come back every time you leave."

Louis started crying harder, shaking as he thought about Harry. "Of course I'll always go back to Harry, I love him more than anything in the world."

"Then go show him that, Louis."

 


	6. Epilogue

~H~

Harry was awoken by small cries, his senses having developed dramatically over the past month since he’d adopted Ryan. He got out of bed and walked to the crib on the other side of the room, smiling down at the fussy baby. “Hi, sweetheart. You can never let daddy sleep in, can you?” He was teasing of course, Harry didn’t mind waking up for Ryan.

“You’re so pretty, just like your daddy Louis,” he complimented, picking the small child up and settling him on his hip. “Let’s go get you changed and fed, then we’ll go on our walk, yeah?” Ryan stared blankly up at Harry, smiling his adorable baby smile.

After Harry had Ryan changed and in a fresh diaper, he walked to the kitchen and set him in his high chair. He went to the cabinet and grabbed two bowls, one of Ryan’s baby bowls and another bigger bowl for himself. Harry opened the the bag of baby cereal and poured some into a bowl, putting it in front of Ryan and letting him make a mess as he ate it. He poured himself a bowl Fruit Loops and sat beside his baby, laughing at his cute little squeals as he dropped his cereal.

~L~

Louis wiped his hands on his jeans, staring out of the cab window thoughtfully. He swallowed nervously as the cab pulled into the neighborhood he and Harry lived in. When they finally pulled in front of the house he’d been living in with his boyfriend for a while Louis almost lost his breath. This happened every time he came back home, he expected things to be so different, but they never were. But he was also afraid every time, afraid that maybe Harry would turn him away this time, tired of dealing with his shit.

For a little while, he just sat in the back of the car, trying to collect himself. He pushed all of the bad thoughts out of his head and tried to focus on the good things that could happen. Maybe instead of being upset Harry would be relieved that Louis was home. Maybe instead of just looking at Louis sadly, he’d just hug him. Maybe instead of trying to have an awkward conversation about the past three months, they’d just let it go and make love.  Maybe Harry wouldn’t feel the need to use a condom this time and could just accept Louis.

Louis paid the driver, thanking him as he grabbed his bags out of the trunk and walked up the sidewalk and onto the front porch. He took a steadying breath and knocked lightly on the door, waiting for it to open so that he could see the face of the man he was so madly in love with.

XXX

Harry looked to the door, wondering who it could be. It wasn’t Zayn or Niall, because they were still asleep this early. It wasn’t Liam, because he was waiting for Sophia to wake up before they left to visit her family. Harry had no idea who it could be, but he grabbed Ryan and walked to the front door anyway, opening it and feeling his heart stop.

He was still just as beautiful, even though he was obviously different looking. “Hi, Harry. I’ve missed you so much,” he said quietly, smiling meekly. “Who’s this?”

Harry gulped, holding Ryan tight. “This is Ryan, I adopted him about a month ago. Uh, come in, Lou. I’m not giving you permission, though. I mean, I am, but not like that. Because you still live here, ya know? Fuck,” Harry rambled, shaking his head. He was flustered, Louis was finally back and looking so amazing, yet so unhappy.

Louis smiled, walking in and setting his bags by the hall entrance as he sat on the couch. “Can I hold him,” he asked, nodding in Ryans direction. Harry nodded, telling Louis that Ryan was his baby as well so he didn’t have to ask. He handed Ryan over, watching fondly as Louis smiled and talked with the baby.

“You two look so much alike, I knew but it’s so much more evident now,” he whispered.

Louis smiled shyly, nodding. “I’m sorry Harry, for leaving. I just… I don’t know. I love you, you know I do, but sometimes I just can’t, ya know? And I know it hurts you, but it hurts me too. God, I sound so selfish. I leave you and then say I’m the one hurting,” Louis scoffs, a self deprecating sound.

Harry shakes his head, shrugging. “Honestly, I’ve thought about leaving. Just like, moving out and taking Ryan. But I want him to have his other father, and I don’t think I’d be able to be with anyone else. Besides, I love you entirely too much to just leave.” Harry moved to sit on the couch with Louis, scooting closer. “But Lou, I need you to stop this. We have a kid now, and I don’t wanna do this without you. If leave later, that’ll be it, I won’t do it again.”

Louis looked at Harry sadly, grabbing his hand and sitting Ryan between them as he leaned into Harry, sighing happily as he wrapped his arms around him. “I won’t, I promise. Thank you for not leaving me, I’ll fix my shit. I love you so much,” Louis smiled, kissing Harry on the lips, then Ryan on the forehead. “You too, Ry, daddy loves you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, i hope y'all enjoyed this!!!


End file.
